Thursday, March 29, 2012

3 A.M.

Oncall sucked last night/this morning.  Got paged at 3:00 a.m. and have been up ever since on the same outage.  The upside is that this issue is so convoluted and complex and in the end, not an OS or Server issue... so that is good for our team.  Luckily JT and I cancelled our Barr Trail run so I didn't miss anything this morning. 

I only got in 7.5 miles yesterday.  In light of everything this week, working yesterday, and being oncall I will take it.  Today I am going to sleep, swing by the office for a few then do a 20 miler this afternoon.  I have the time due to extra hours with the oncall.

It hasn't been the easiest of weeks.  I guess grief takes on different forms and we experience it in different ways.  I am angry about a lot of things, disappointed about other things and I feel a strong sense of loneliness, or to be more accurate being alone in dealing with this death.  I've seen plenty and I mean plenty of death in my life... maybe cause I am older it doesn't affect me as much or have such a strong impact.  Maybe I still feel some sense of relief that the old man is free of this world?  I don't know.

Yesterday I called the funeral home and have those arrangements in the works.  There is paperwork that needs to be done and due to the political/religious views of other  family members I alone am handling all of the administrative tasks and costs related to putting my father to rest.  I still have no plan to go to FL to the condo and am still in the process of figuring out how to best handle that. 

Personally I don't want to go there and root through all of his stuff and what would I do with any of it anyway?  I don't want or need anything.  Well, just for this mess to be over... that would be nice.

Reality is different these past two days... in one way life feels every bit the same as it did on Monday but I feel enveloped in this fog or cloud of emotional discomfort.  I can't or won't call it pain but I guess there is that.  I do feel like I have been kicked in the gut and am still in shock.  Maybe the best way to explain is that the loss is not really directly affecting me but it is a sensation that is accompanying every waking moment.  I can't say that I am numb but everything feels blunted.

There unfortunately is no manual for this sort of thing...  I guess there couldn't be... like people's lives, I reckon each death is just as unique.

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