Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Two Boxes

Two boxes arrived today.  One from Montana and another one from Florida.  From Montana, Hammer Nutrition products... From Florida... Dad.

Now that I have the DC's and some other pertinent information I need to have a huddle with my attorney in Daytona and set him loose to discover initially then gather and then clean up my father's affairs down there.  My sister and I had a good talk about it all yesterday and though I am of the mind that I really don't care about taking care of the rest of the details, property and whatnot... she is right that we need to get it taken care of and not be living with that stuff over our heads anymore. 

It is a weird sensation unraveling and untangling someone else's life after their death. It is even more bizarre if in theory it is someone that you should know but the actual reality is that you are dealing with a complete stranger.  It is frustrating, sad and at the same time a very lonely feeling.

I talk about the mechanics of what is going on, the activity of it all but I really can't talk to anyone it seems about how I am feeling about it all past the general sense.  Hell, I don't even know if I could even completely verbally express it all.  There is the shock and even a bit of of heartache.  But right now what I can't seem the escape is the ever constant awareness of mortality, mine and everyone and everything else's and the temporary nature of it all.  This is not a new revelation to me by any stretch but right now it just seems to be ever present and a constant theme that to be honest is becoming very tiresome.  Very.

I wake up in the morning and after the three to five seconds of peace as I am reorienting myself into the world the situation settles upon me again and I ask the question every day, "what do I have to do next to deal with this and what do I have to get done today?"  From there on out that is a constant companion during the day, this thing, this situation, this job of sorts. 

Doing what I do, I am still trying to focus on the positive takeaways here.  My sister is doing the same thing as well, with her lesson being that you should never assume that there is more time.  As for me, my resolve to not waste the next 30-50 years and to make the absolute most of them has been renewed.  My number one goal above anything else is to be happy and let everything else take care of itself, which isn't much different than my goals three weeks ago before dad died, it is just more of a focal point now.

A break sure would be nice though.

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