|The bare essentials to pack and bail.|
Basic premise... dump all of my stuff, mail the keys to the mortgage company, and bug out with just the bare essentials that Roxy and I would have needed in the Jeep to go south of the border to start a new life.
I rediscovered the list last night after a quick search and though I have Asia now and not Roxy the plan looks viable still. Dump it all and throw what I need in the Jeep and boogie.
If it were only that simple.
Today I went into the garage and about shit. I have no idea how I am going to deal with getting rid of everything. Not that I need or want all of this crap anymore but the mechanics of it or the "execution" as Annie puts it just overwhelms me to the point of immobility. Seriously, I can get stuck looking at a piece of furniture anymore and go into a catatonic state while totally anxiety ridden at the same time. It sucks.
But there is more... of course last night driving I had time, lots and lots of time, to reflect over all of the bad decisions I have made in my life. Well, maybe not bad decisions as I made the best decisions at the time with the knowledge I had at the time but decisions that if I had gone another way, well things might have turned out differently. Such things as selling certain properties, buying other properties, getting a masters degree that cost a shit ton of money but in the end was it really worth it... those kinds of things.
All of this leads me to question the logic or feasibility of this possible Aspen move. Could I be there and get my business going? If not, can I be there and find some meaningful employment that I make a decent living at and enjoy? Or will I end up there and be part of the struggling working class and working three to four shitty part time jobs and basically make enough money to stay but not enough to leave? Is this another one of those "bad decisions?"
Can I escape Colorado Springs? That is another huge question. Am I so embedded into the ground here that the thrust required to gain escape velocity is basically unachievable? Sometimes when I am away from home I think that an asteroid strike could be an awesome solution as long as I am not in the house of course.
I just don't remember a time in my life where I have had such fear and self doubt. Not in recent history at least. I know that when left home for basic training at 18, that was pretty high up there, and also when I got out of the service, but I also had a lot less life overhead and a ton less to be concerned about then. Now I try to spin it in my head that this transition is NOT overwhelming, not scary, not stressful, and frame it as exciting, or at least not boring but even those cognitive gymnastics more often than not fail to buoy my outlook.
I have no clue in hell what life is going to look like 12 months from now, and I know that nobody really does but it would be nice to have somewhat of an idea. For now all I can say is that I was much happier a year ago when there was a tad more certainty in life and I had some direction and sense of purpose. Yeah... I'd go back if I could.
Running... if you are still interested and reading... I've run three days this week. Nothing great, long or fast... just running. I've figured that with the cold I had and basically losing two weeks of running as a result that the rest of January will be spent trying to rebuild some sort of a base and then in February trying to put down some higher mileage weeks. At least that is the plan. I only did two miles today and that was more of a token effort than anything... I told myself just one mile... you only have to run one mile... that was the leverage it took to get me out the door. Seriously.
I could have pretty much written this same post about my life. Lots of unknowns ahead, which terrifies me. I think it's a huge reason why I can't commit to any big races (well, doing them, but not committing to them) - I have no idea where my life will be in a few months.ReplyDelete
You seem really excited to move to Aspen and I know once there everything will fall into place.
Nice 2 miler - it's a start!
remember when I blew my life up? well the pieces are settling and I'm liking what I am seeing but it is very scary. I try to focus on feeling excited rather than scared about the uncertainty- after all how boring is it to know exactly what is coming. we all prefer the movies with twists and turns to the obvious plot. btw, I've been meaning to write about this but haven't had time, too busy playing and living:)ReplyDelete